“Less like a serial killer, and more like our next Friday night.”
There are many things technology has changed for you, and your dating life is one of them.
I’ve recently decided to throw myself into the mix, and try online dating for the first time, and let me tell you… IT IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE OUT THERE.
Once you sign up, they have you fill out your profile; so you add a few pictures, a bio about yourself, and some things that may spark interest between you and the next 2000 people who will see your profile. You try to make yourself seem pretty neat; either embrace the weird, or play yourself down to just about as average as you can be- either way, there’s all sorts of crazy for you to choose from.
Once you are done, sit back, and watch all those percent based matches out there come flocking your way.
So, after I’ve weeded through a hefty handful of men’s profiles, desperately seeking for someone to be normal. I’ve learned that there are a few ground rules we ladies should lay down for you, in the hopes that you come off less like a serial killer, and more like our next Friday night (or every Friday night if you’re looking for the long haul)
- Your “CLEVER” Username: we get that you like bongos, and bongs, and your dashing good looks; but do not, and I mean ever throw in the following to your username: TREE, BONGOS, KING, CHIEF, FIRE, LAVA, GUCCI, FENDI, PRADA, and LOUIS VUITTON can come too. Choose something witty, and that doesn’t speak about how you like to spell or spend something.
- The BATHROOM Selfie: more than 75% of the profile pictures guys choose consist of their own, homegrown, bathroom selfie. Meaning you’ve decided that a front facing selfie just wouldn’t cut it; so you opted for including the toilet, your mess of a sink, and maybe even you being pant-less? Either way, no
girlehem, WOMAN, wants to see any of your nasty, so just lock that shit up, and take a picture of your face, with your front facing camera and your pants on.
- The EVERY TATTOO Selfie: we get that you’re tatted, and some girls really love a guy with some ink in his skin, and maybe even a nice eyebrow piercing to match; but when we’ve got 6 different shots of you from six different angles, just to let us know how much you’ve got going on that canvas of yours, we wonder what won’t be a surprise when we finally meet you. Keep some things to yourself, and let us ask you instead!
- The PROM Photo: we get that you loved high school, or maybe you and your prom date looked so cute matching in your tux and gown; but when you’re twenty-fucking-five and talking about how you’re going to graduate UNIVERSITY soon, maybe you should invest in pictures that aren’t FIVE YEARS OLD. Especially when you’ve gained 30 pounds, and started that receding hairline. Just don’t make us pass you up because you couldn’t grow up.
- The last comment to note ISN’T about the kinds of photos you post, because either way, you’ll probably take more selfies from many more angles, and think they’re inherently better than the last. So, instead, if you’re going to message a girl about how you may just be the 94% perfect man of her dreams, DON’T message her asking if you “could slide on up in there”. Because the only thing you’ll be sliding is a tab with our profiles, over and over, and know that we see how many times you click on it. We see it, EVERY TIME.
Coco Chanel said it best “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous” So treat us like you would face to face, and quoting Ms. Coco Chanel should be the only brand name rolling off that tongue.
Join the OkCupid dating world- it will all be alright- just remember a few of these tips, and continue on trying to pursue us. Fill out those damn profiles, and tell us about the six things you can’t do without. If any of this has offended you boy’s men out there, maybe it’s time that you change your profile, starting with tip #1.
Much Love, Miranda